


I'm So Sorry

by TonyStark941



Series: WinterIron Fics (cause they're hot cuties) [2]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Arc Reactor, Arc Reactor Failure, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Howard Stark's Bad Parenting, Hurt Tony, Hurt Tony Stark, Insecure Tony, M/M, Oblivious Avengers, Oblivious Bucky Barnes, Sad with a Happy Ending, Tony Feels, Tony Has Issues, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Still Has Arc Reactor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-23
Updated: 2019-03-23
Packaged: 2019-11-28 17:42:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18211517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TonyStark941/pseuds/TonyStark941
Summary: “Tony?” Bucky asked, but there was no answer. Just the sound of thick sobs echoing from the hospital bed. “I’m so sorry.”**From a young age, Tony thought he was worthless. A disappointment. Not good enough.It takes one certain Winter soldier to tell him that he is (for once) entirely wrong.





	I'm So Sorry

“Tony?” Bucky asked, but there was no answer. Just the sound of thick sobs echoing from the hospital bed. “I’m so sorry.”

**

When Tony was three years old, he could speak, read and write. Everyone agreed that he had above genius-level intellect, and he could write better than a university professor. 

At four, Tony built his first circuit board. It was a tiny little thing with wired poking out and the casing slightly dodgy, but Tony was proud of it. It had taken over a month to do it, but he thought it was worth the effort. 

So, when the bouncy four-year-old genius went running to his father, Howard didn’t turn around. When Tony tapped his shoulder, desperately hoping Howard just hadn’t heard him, he received an absent grunt. And when Tony  
called his father, he was met with a swift backhand and a warning to never come into the study again. 

So, Tony didn’t.

When he was nine, Tony was in his senior year of high school. He hated the fact that he was a good 6 inches shorter than most of them. They would laugh and mock him about his height. When he told Howard, his dad had  
laughed at him, his breath reeking of scotch. “Man up, boy. Don’t be a disappointment and fucking grow already.” Tony was treated like an outsider, and- when the bullying ended up with Tony in a cast, his dad ignored him. 

“It was your own fault.” Howard had said, throwing a bottle of whisky an inch to the right of his head. “If you wouldn’t act like so much like a know-it-all, people would like you better.”

And then to (not so kindly) fuck off because he was about to make a breakthrough in arc reactor tech that Tony wouldn’t understand because he would never be like Howard. 

Which was true in a way. For starters, Howard didn’t act weak and pathetic like Tony did with his endless panic attacks. Howard never spent days on a workshop binge only to collapse after three days of no food. Howard had his  
enemies in all the right places, unlike Tony (fuck you, Justin Hammer). 

But Tony would never hit his kid. Tony would never make anyone feel unworthy of attention. Tony would never drink himself into rage and take it out on his family. No, Tony would never, ever be like Howard. 

That was what he told himself at ten when he wanted to show his father his new robot and already expected wave of disappointment before it came. 

“Fuck off, boy.” His father had said. 

Tony didn’t want to lose the sliver of hope he had left. “But I made this and I was hoping we could-”

“NO!” Howard had roared, slapping Tony to the ground. Dark spots had danced in his vision and his ears had started ringing. “You are unworthy of attention, you dumb shit!” And then the door had been slammed on his face. 

Tony got used to it. Tony got used to the slammed doors and the random beatings and the smell of scotch that would creep through the house. He got used to never being good enough for anyone’s attention. 

So, when he graduated from MIT at the age of 15, Tony didn’t expect Howard to turn up. 

And Howard didn’t turn up. 

But when Tony heard the news that Howard and his mother had been killed whilst driving to his graduation, something inside of Tony cracked. It was his fault. The one time his father gave him attention, his parents died. 

It wasn’t fair. It just wasn’t fair. 

Tony hated himself though, hated himself so much for feeling that relief blossom in his chest. Feeling that weight come off his shoulders when he realised that no one would be screaming at him about how much of a  
disappointment he was. No one would be mocking his height or his weight or his “low-level” intellect as Howard would put it. 

And no one would be telling him to “fuck right off” back to wherever he came from. Gone were the absent dismissals that made Tony feel like a worthless piece of shit. 

With time and therapy, Tony got better, and- when Tony resurfaced with metal in his chest and a new family by his side, he didn’t feel like a worthless piece of shit again. 

James Buchanan Barnes joined his family of superheroes 2 years later, and Tony found love and happiness. And Tony finally felt whole. 

**

It was a Monday morning, and Tony knew that Mondays sucked. Hell, he didn’t need to be told twice- it was the shittiest day of the week. 

So, when he stumbled down the stairs, rambling incoherently about coffee, he was expecting something to go wrong. 

And it did. 

It was all fine at first. Bucky had made him his morning coffee and kissed him full on the lips in front of everyone. Then they had snuggled on the couch watching crappy daytime telly together, Tony half-sitting on Bucky’s lap. 

They were comfy and the birds were chirping, and the sun was shining, and suddenly Monday’s didn’t seem so bad after all. 

But then Pepper called and told Tony he needed to finish off the humanoid AI, so Tony went down to Bruce’s lab, seeing as Bruce knew the biology of it, whilst Tony was on the engineering side. 

So they had stood together, designing the synthetic fibres for the skin. Their science-ing sessions were usually loud and filled with their combined scientific rambling, but this time it was dead silent. 

Bruce wasn’t speaking at all, and Tony wondered what was wrong with him. Bruce may not have been the loudest of people, but his science bro was certainly never silent. Something was wrong with him. 

“Bruce?” Tony asked, and Bruce nodded absently. Tony scanned his brain trying to think of what to say. Betty! Talking about Betty always made Bruce happier. “So,” he started. “How’s things with Betty?” 

Bruce stiffened. “Fine,” was all he said. 

Something akin to worry flooded Tony’s mind, but the only way he could do anything was by hiding behind a mask of humour. He didn’t know why he did it, it just happened, like with the flick of a switch. “Fine!? That’s not what  
you were saying when-”

“I’m fine!” Bruce suddenly roared, and Tony recoiled in fear. There was a green tinge on Bruce’s face. 

“A-are you okay?” Tony never stuttered. Why was he stuttering? 

Bruce rubbed his forehead. “Can you please just shut up. I need some quiet and…I- I can’t have that if you keep talking all the time.”

“Oh…okay. Sorry,” Tony said, and something sick and ugly wedged his way into his chest making it hard for him to breathe. 

Bruce must have seem something in his eyes, because he gave Tony a half-guilty look. “Sorry. It’s just the…uh…the Hulk, you know? I don’t want to get stressed out.” 

Tony nodded, but didn’t say a word. He was stressing Bruce out by talking so much. He needed to stop talking. Then Bruce wouldn’t hate him anymore. 

Wait, but Bruce didn’t hate him…did he? He was probably just having a bad day, nothing to do with Tony at all. 

The same thing had happened with Howard, but it had ended with Tony in hospital. Howard was right, Tony did talk to much. He had to stop being so annoying. 

So Tony and Bruce worked in silence, and when Bruce tried to engage with him in a conversation, Tony gave short, concise answers. No one wanted to hear his ramblings. It was for the best. 

They finished the work quickly, quicker- Tony noticed- than the time it normally took with Tony talking. 

“Tony, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that-” Bruce had tried. 

The engineer’s laugh was brittle and sounded fake to his own ears. “No worries, Bruce. I don’t to stress you out.” Tony said, before hightailing it out of the lab. 

He had ended up in the kitchen, the smell of delicious food wafting through the hallway. He sniffed the air, and his tummy rumbled in anticipation. 

The whole team, minus Bruce, were sitting round the table, chatting whilst Bucky and Steve cooked some pasta. 

Bucky and Steve were so lost in their conversation that neither of them turned around when Tony came in. That was fine though- people had better things to do than babysit Tony. 

“Yo!” Clint shouted, and Tony turned around. “Pass me the Hawkeye glass.” 

Tony chuckled. “Manners, birdbrain.” He said, before gulping. The glass was at the top shelf, far out of reach from Tony. 

Clint was smirking. “Do you need a footstool, shorty?” 

Heat rose to Tony’s face. “Fuck off. You mocking me?”

And then Clint laughed loudly, and Tony internally winced, dreading his next words. “I wouldn’t stoop that low!” 

The whole table had roared in laughter. “Pass me the glass then.” Clint had said, and of course it was all a fucking joke to him, wasn’t it? He hadn’t been ridiculed because of his height, mocked daily because of it. Howard had  
beaten Tony up, calling him a disappointment. Said he didn’t want to “want to walk around with a fucked-up-in-the-head dwarf.” 

Good, kind Steve had turned around at that moment, and picked the glass of the shelf easily, not even stretching his arm to do so. Which made everyone laugh harder. 

Tony was frozen on the spot, and he was suddenly aware of how heavy his breathing had gotten. His hands were shaking, so Tony shoved them into his pockets. 

“Doll?” Bucky reached out to him, but Tony avoided his touch. He didn’t deserve it. 

He saw how perfect Bucky and Steve would be together. For starters, Steve wasn’t some short, disappointment-of-a-man like Tony. Steve was also loyal and heroic, and him and Bucky had such a long history together. It hurt, but  
Tony was waiting for the day that Bucky would leave him for Steve. 

“Tony!” someone called his name, and Tony jumped. Everyone was staring at him, and he realised that he had been zoning out for a good minute or two. “You okay?” It was Clint, and- if Tony wasn’t on the verge of a panic attack-  
he would’ve seen the regret and the guilt on the archer’s face. 

“Y-yes.” He said. “I’m fine.” Stark men are made of iron. They were still looking at him in concern, and Bucky had come right up to his face. “Stark men are made of iron.” He muttered and bolted. 

**

Natasha lay in a SHIELD hospital bed, her hair the colour of blood and her skin pale like porcelain. 

It was a miracle she hadn’t died, the doctors had said, looking at her with a look full of pity. It wasn’t hard to see how injured she really was, and that wasn’t even counting the internal wounds. 

There were multiple head wounds, a broken fibula, her stomach had been punctured in two places from the debris that had fallen on her. Not to mention the burns and bruises that littered her fragile-looking body. 

Tony stared at her through the window, not even daring to step in. He didn’t deserve to go in, to touch her hand or to whisper to her how sorry he was. He was the one who had put her there, and everyone knew that. 

No one would talk at him after, and he blamed himself too much to tell them what really happened. It wouldn’t make a difference- they would still hate him. The arc reactor wasn’t working, and he wouldn’t have been able to stay  
upright if it weren’t for the suit. There was a fogginess in his vision, and he assumed it was probably from the huge wound on his head. 

 

The Avengers were around her bedside, creating an almost protective cocoon around her. There was no space for Tony, so he blinked the tears from his eyes and silently prayed for her. He shouted apologies at her, screaming at  
her like an emotional dam had just burst. She couldn’t hear him, of course- he did it all in his head. 

Clint suddenly looked up, as if just realising Tony was there. The glare he shot at Tony made him flinch and stumble back, as though the heat was burning him alive. An outcry of rage and a slammed door later, they were nose to  
nose. 

“Fuck you, Stark.” The archer growled, and Tony flinched, putting a hand over the arc reactor. 

“I-I’m so, so sorry-” He tried, but Clint didn’t want to hear it. Out of the corner of his eye, Tony saw Bucky stand up and head towards them. Maybe he would realise what actually happened?

But no. Bucky gave Tony an emotionless glare, making him shiver. He stood next to Clint, and Tony could almost feel the waves of anger from his boyfriend. 

“You don’t get to say that, Stark.” Clint said stonily. “It’s your fault she’s in this position.” 

 

Tony tried to fight the tears coming out of his eyes. “I know.” He said sadly. “But-”

“No!” Bucky said, suddenly and Tony fucking jumped, wanting to take a step back, wanting to run away from it all. “No.” And then there was another glare at Tony, so ferocious he wanted to end his life. 

Clint stepped forward, and- although they were practically the same height- it felt like the archer was towering over him. “This isn’t the first time that this has happened. You need to leave, right now. Leave us alone.” 

Tony stumbled back. “But Natasha- I just wanted to see her-”

“Leave.” And there it was, that dismissal that he had received all of his life. From Howard, from his mother, from his ‘friends’ at school, from Obie and Jarvis and Ana. And then Tony couldn’t breathe and it felt like air wouldn’t go  
into his lungs. 

“Leave. And when you come back, you will resign from the team.” Clint said, and the two of them walked away, leaving Tony staring silently at the wall in shock, cradling his broken ribs. 

**

“Update me on Natasha’s condition.” Tony said, picking up his tools. 

“Very well, sir. Miss Romanoff is currently in the ICU of SHEILD medical. Her condition is critical but improving.” JARVIS stated, and Tony didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. It was good that she was getting better, but she was  
still in a critical position. “It would be advisable to go to a hospital.” 

He didn’t reply. Tony slumped down in his chair, feeling faint and dizzy. There was a big pain in his chest from where the shrapnel lay, inching it’s way further and further towards his heart. 

It had been an EMP that caused his suit to fail, as well as his arc reactor. Tony was off the comms for almost five minutes, so he was out of touch with the others for a while. To make things worse, the suit had trapped him inside  
because of the arc reactor failure, so he didn’t have enough strength to open the manual locks. 

It had meant that he didn’t hear Steve’s warning that the building would collapse, and collapse it did, stranding thirty civilians inside. Natasha was inside when the building had collapsed, and she had used the last of her energy to  
send a distress signal to the team and help the civilians out. 

The team found her fourteen minutes later, unconscious and bloody. They were all so busy trying to save her that Tony had slunk to the back, watching the medics do their work. 

He didn’t mention how he had also been caught in the debris and how his arc reactor had stopped working. It didn’t matter. 

Tony reached over for the little box nailed to the wall and typed in the passcode. His head was pounding, and his breath was beginning to get shaky, and he could almost feel the shrapnel moving inside his chest. 

The box opened with a little ‘click’, and Tony blindly reached out for it-

There was nothing in it. 

He thought he had one spare reactor, but it was gone. 

“JARVIS? Where is it?” He asked, slurring his words slightly. 

His AI sounded worried, almost frantic. “Sir, you used the last reactor a month ago to create an independent power source for your suit. There are none left.” 

Tony opened his mouth, but he didn’t know what to say. So, he was going to die then. Alone, and then forgotten. I guess Christine Everheart was right- he would die the monster he really was. Tony wasn’t ready to die yet, but  
could anyone ever truly be ready for death?

“How long?” His hands were shaking, and black and white dots were dancing in his vision. 

“You have twelve minutes until the shrapnel enters your heart. Would you like me to call anyone?” 

“C-call Bucky…” Tony whispered. 

“Calling now, sir.” JARVIS said, and the sound of the line ringing went through the workshop. 

Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Oh, god. He wasn’t going to pick up, was he? Ring. Rin-

“Yes?” Bucky asked, and the emotionless tone of his voice made Tony’s heart hurt more than the shrapnel ever could. 

Tony couldn’t speak for a second; the pain was too bad. 

“Tony! This better not be a fucking joke to-” 

And then Tony was crying, loudly and wetly. Every sob shot pain into his heart, but he carried on. He had always his emotions, so- as he was dying- he might as well take down his masks. “I-I…”

“What the fuck! Are you crying? Are you hurt? What’s happened?” Bucky asked, each question sounding more and more frantic. “Talk to me, please. What-”

“I-I’m dying. It’s too late for me now.” Tony slurred. 

“No! No, Tony. What’s happened?”

“I just….Natasha…sorry. Sorry. Earpiece…EMP. Reactor f-failure.” Tony tried, but his words wouldn’t come out properly. 

“We’re coming. Where are you?” Bucky said, and there was pure determination in his voice which made Tony hate himself even more.

“Workshop.” He said, and then darkness started to spill into his vision. “I love you, B-Bucky. G-good…goodbye.” 

And then he was falling and falling and falling. 

**

Tony had been asleep for four days, and Bucky hated himself for not asking Tony what really happened. Instead, he had blamed Tony unfairly, made him feel like shit and walked out on him without a second glance. 

He hadn’t meant to be so cold, it was just that he had been so scared. He had seen the way Nat had looked when they finally dug her out of the rubble, and he was terrified that they wouldn’t find a pulse. 

Bucky had taken out his anger on Tony. He had felt so left out and abandoned by Tony, that he thought Tony no longer loved him. Every time he would try to touch Tony, the engineer would flinch away from him and run away.  
Whenever Tony walked into a room and he was talking to Steve, Tony would retreat to his workshop and then stay there for hours. 

Tony had been talking in his sleep though. Random bubbles of words. It would always revolve around Howard and the emotional abuse he had put him through. Bucky felt ashamed that he had once idolised the older Stark. 

For once, Bucky was glad he had been the one to kill Howard Stark. 

Suddenly, Tony moved. It was just a slight shift, but it made Bucky’s body freeze and his heart pound. “Tony?” He called gently, and his boyfriend squeezed his hand. “Come back to me, doll. Please. I’m so sorry…I didn’t know.” 

The engineer opened his eyes and stared at Bucky, his eyes strangely glassy. Tony turned away though and hid his face from Bucky. 

“Tony?” Bucky asked, but there was no answer. Just the sound of thick sobs echoing from the hospital bed. “I’m so sorry.”

“I-It’s okay. ‘T wasn’t your fault.” Tony mumbled, and Bucky fucking hated seeing him so quiet. 

He stroked Tony’s hair softly. “We found out what happened with Natasha…why didn’t you tell us?” He asked quietly. 

And then Tony turned towards him and there was defeat in his eyes. “Because it wouldn’t have changed anything. You would have all hated me.” 

Bucky shook his head furiously. “Tony…why would you ever think that?” 

“I’m not fucking good enough, okay? There, I’ve said it.” He sighed deeply. “You and Steve would make a better couple than me and you. He’s not some shoddy know-it-all, he doesn’t have three-day workshop binges, he’s not a  
disappointment like I am.” 

“What?” Bucky exclaimed. “Me and Steve? Oh, god, Tones! We’re practically brothers. That would be disgusting.” He pulled a face at the thought of that. “No way. And you are not a disappointment. You are the best thing that has  
happened to me.”

Tony’s face was pink. “I am?” He shook his head furiously. 

“Yes. And it scares me you don’t even realise this. How long have you thought these things about yourself?” Bucky asked, angry at how little Tony thought of himself. How did his damn boyfriend not see how fucking amazing he  
was?

“I don’t know.” Tony said. “Ever since I can remember I wasn’t good enough. I talk to much and I’m not tall and muscular. I am an ex-alcoholic and I am riddled with PTSD and anxiety.”

“PTSD doesn’t make you weak, Tony. It shows how much you’ve fought to stand here today. And you’ve been sober for eight years now. What Clint and I did was not okay, and we shouldn’t make excuses for ourselves.”

Bucky hugged Tony tight. “I love you so much, Bucky,” the engineer said quietly. “Now can you explain to me why there is a fucking car battery in my chest!”


End file.
